My mind has been a mess lately. I sometimes get these intense urges to write, but find myself playing out the words in my head, scribbling on an imaginary paper. The thoughts come to me, fervently, almost prophetically, but for some reason, I find it impossible to get them out coherently. When the words do touch reality, they seem disconnected and vulgar. The experience can only be likened to that of explaining one's frighteningly realistic dream to someone, only to realize that the dream itself made no sense.
I think that I am unconsciously self-censoring.
The world is so....twisted, and I can't understand why doing the "right thing" is so difficult in so many situations. If not by fate, I came across a definition today in "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce, and though the book itself was meant to be satirical, I found the frankness of it to be quite, refreshing.
"Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor."
Fortune does not dictate our fate, but rather, we are the architects of our own destiny. The world is cyclical. I am who I am because of my parents. Both their faults and their blessings have been gifts to me, and thus, my faults and my blessings will shape my own children. I understand that all situations are not equal, and that my perception of "faults" and "blessings" is biased, but ultimately the world has a shape and we must all live within it. We cannot expect our children to use our failings as parents to better themselves with as adults. It is our responsibility to give them ALL that we can, if not physically, then spiritually (and by spiritually, I mean nurturing their secular spirit).
We are the Gaia (sp?) of their center. We give them strength, and independence and the ability to love. We give them the power to say no, to stand tall, and to feel self worth. OUR lives are THEIR lives until they can make their own. We are their reality and we must make sure that it makes sense.
There, I said it. No more censoring.
(I get my boldness from my father, and my timidity from my mother. Aren't we all just the product of an oxymoron...)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Life is Good
Wow. First off, let me apologize for my absence from the blog world, I've been a little busy! Pete saved his paternity leave for now and he's taken a month off from work. Needless to say, we've been moving and running all over the place and I haven't had the time to sit and think about a blog entry lately.
I haven't got anything particularly insightful to say tonight, but I've definitely got a few pictures to share with you. Bear with me on this one, and I swear I'll have something a little deeper for you in a few days after my girls night out!
First off, my niece Mia turned three on July 7th and we had a little party here for her birthday. The kids love playing together and I planned ahead and bought some face paints to keep the kids entertained on the day of her party. Mia decided to be a butterfly, Hunter a pirate and I took it upon myself to give Parker little cat whiskers and ears. They had a blast and the face paints wore off before we could even take a decent picture of them.
I'll just have to take out the paints at Parker's birthday next week and try to get a picture of the kids again!
Later that week we took a little family trip to Exporail, the train museum in St Constant. Hunter couldn't get enough of the larger than life engines and even Parker seemed in awe of their size. Exporail has got to be one of the best places to take your kids, and we go every year. Walking through the maze of over sized trains never gets old by the end of the day the kids are exhausted and elated.
Guess trains really are in our blood...
The last wonderful diversion from life we've taken on Pete's extended vacation was a quick trip to Lake George, NY. Lake George is probably one of the best memories I have as a child. My parents used to take us all the time as kids, and I remember staying in rickety old cabins tossing all night in anticipation of the next day's activities. This time, we had the pleasure of being the parents and watching our kids delight in the fun that is Lake George. There's just something about road tripping it with your kids, sleeping as a family in a huge king size bed and spending the day on the boardwalk eating ice cream and swimming at the beach that makes a summer a GREAT summer. This has got to be a veritable shangri la of family trips. The scenery of the Adirondacks is breathtaking and the possibilities for fun are endless (not to mention affordable).
Well folks, it's late and I'm beat. The vacation isn't over yet, and I've got a spa day planned for tomorrow. Here's to some much needed sleep and a good, long massage. Solo.
I promise to check back in soon, with something deep, meaningful, or perhaps a little funny. Can't promise which direction it'll go in, but I can promise that it wont be dark, these days, life is good.
I haven't got anything particularly insightful to say tonight, but I've definitely got a few pictures to share with you. Bear with me on this one, and I swear I'll have something a little deeper for you in a few days after my girls night out!
First off, my niece Mia turned three on July 7th and we had a little party here for her birthday. The kids love playing together and I planned ahead and bought some face paints to keep the kids entertained on the day of her party. Mia decided to be a butterfly, Hunter a pirate and I took it upon myself to give Parker little cat whiskers and ears. They had a blast and the face paints wore off before we could even take a decent picture of them.
Later that week we took a little family trip to Exporail, the train museum in St Constant. Hunter couldn't get enough of the larger than life engines and even Parker seemed in awe of their size. Exporail has got to be one of the best places to take your kids, and we go every year. Walking through the maze of over sized trains never gets old by the end of the day the kids are exhausted and elated.
The last wonderful diversion from life we've taken on Pete's extended vacation was a quick trip to Lake George, NY. Lake George is probably one of the best memories I have as a child. My parents used to take us all the time as kids, and I remember staying in rickety old cabins tossing all night in anticipation of the next day's activities. This time, we had the pleasure of being the parents and watching our kids delight in the fun that is Lake George. There's just something about road tripping it with your kids, sleeping as a family in a huge king size bed and spending the day on the boardwalk eating ice cream and swimming at the beach that makes a summer a GREAT summer. This has got to be a veritable shangri la of family trips. The scenery of the Adirondacks is breathtaking and the possibilities for fun are endless (not to mention affordable).
I promise to check back in soon, with something deep, meaningful, or perhaps a little funny. Can't promise which direction it'll go in, but I can promise that it wont be dark, these days, life is good.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Grounded
Every Friday the neighbour and I take our kids to the local pool so they can wade in the warm salt water for an hour or so while we chat. In anticipation of our weekly pool visit I went to Canadian Tire to buy a swim aid for Hunter based on a recommendation from my friend Mel called a puddle jumper. Mel's son Alex has been using his puddle jumper since last year and is real pro in the pool, jumping in and swimming independently without any help from his mum.
Everything went well at first. Hunter chose his own colour, talked about it until he went to bed, and went to find it as soon as he woke up in the morning. When we were getting in the car to go to the pool he insisted that the puddle jumper sit in the back seat with him and he carried it into the change room, eager to get it on. He loved wading in the water and played quietly until I suggested we go into the deep end to try out his new "toy."
Finally, after a couple of minutes of hesitation, I decided to let him go....I've never heard a kid scream like that for absolutely no reason in my life! He was terrified. He screamed and grasped at my arms and shoulders, clinging to my body like he was going to die if he let go. I tried to get him to ease up, but he wasn't having it. I managed to get him to take my hands and I pulled him around the deep end, while I let go of one hand at a time. He smiled a little, but when I let go of both hands, he screamed again and I had to take him back to the shallow end.
Sometimes I find it extremely difficult to think like a toddler. Even after I'd explained to him a thousand times that he couldn't fall, that he'd float with the puddle jumper on, and after he'd been out of my arms and had experienced the floating himself, he still screamed and almost made himself sick with fear. I learned later in the hour that he HAS to have his feet on the ground at all times in the pool, unless he's in your arms.
We'll try the puddle jumper again next Friday. I'm hopeful that he'll feel confident in it soon!
Everything went well at first. Hunter chose his own colour, talked about it until he went to bed, and went to find it as soon as he woke up in the morning. When we were getting in the car to go to the pool he insisted that the puddle jumper sit in the back seat with him and he carried it into the change room, eager to get it on. He loved wading in the water and played quietly until I suggested we go into the deep end to try out his new "toy."
Finally, after a couple of minutes of hesitation, I decided to let him go....I've never heard a kid scream like that for absolutely no reason in my life! He was terrified. He screamed and grasped at my arms and shoulders, clinging to my body like he was going to die if he let go. I tried to get him to ease up, but he wasn't having it. I managed to get him to take my hands and I pulled him around the deep end, while I let go of one hand at a time. He smiled a little, but when I let go of both hands, he screamed again and I had to take him back to the shallow end.
Sometimes I find it extremely difficult to think like a toddler. Even after I'd explained to him a thousand times that he couldn't fall, that he'd float with the puddle jumper on, and after he'd been out of my arms and had experienced the floating himself, he still screamed and almost made himself sick with fear. I learned later in the hour that he HAS to have his feet on the ground at all times in the pool, unless he's in your arms.
We'll try the puddle jumper again next Friday. I'm hopeful that he'll feel confident in it soon!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Number 20
I get these emails from different parenting websites everyday. For the most part they are about my children's current expected milestones and other tidbits of information. Sometimes I actually read them and start to click on the various stories and links, falling deep down into the parenting article rabbit hole. Today I came across another disturbing one that listed the 20 reasons why someone should not have children and the 10 reasons why someone should.
Immediately I thought it was interesting that this author couldn't find a balance of reasons, if only for appearances sake, and proceeded to read the entire article. I wont get into them, they were your typical arguments, the ones even the best moms and dads gripe about in their facebook profiles, like not having any free time, or the ability to be spontaneous. However, it was number 20 that really struck me as being the most naive.
Reason number 20 not to have children was DEATH. The author argued that the ever present danger that someone may have a child and that that child may die before it's time is reason enough to never have one in the first place. That never to have loved at all is better to have loved and lost.
It is naivety like this that makes me question the human heart. Is it possible that someone could actually think this way? And so much so that they would market it as good advice?
Every moment spent with my loved ones, especially my children, makes my life richer, and more fulfilled. Sure, I have bad days. Heck, today was one of them. But the love I feel for Hunter and Parker transcends any love I've ever felt. I would gladly lay down my life for them, and if God sees fit to take one of them from me before their time, I'll curse and I'll falter and I'll die. But every tiny moment I've spent with them would have been worth it.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard a parent say in a time of tragedy, "I wish I'd never had them, for right now my pain would be less."
Immediately I thought it was interesting that this author couldn't find a balance of reasons, if only for appearances sake, and proceeded to read the entire article. I wont get into them, they were your typical arguments, the ones even the best moms and dads gripe about in their facebook profiles, like not having any free time, or the ability to be spontaneous. However, it was number 20 that really struck me as being the most naive.
Reason number 20 not to have children was DEATH. The author argued that the ever present danger that someone may have a child and that that child may die before it's time is reason enough to never have one in the first place. That never to have loved at all is better to have loved and lost.
It is naivety like this that makes me question the human heart. Is it possible that someone could actually think this way? And so much so that they would market it as good advice?
Every moment spent with my loved ones, especially my children, makes my life richer, and more fulfilled. Sure, I have bad days. Heck, today was one of them. But the love I feel for Hunter and Parker transcends any love I've ever felt. I would gladly lay down my life for them, and if God sees fit to take one of them from me before their time, I'll curse and I'll falter and I'll die. But every tiny moment I've spent with them would have been worth it.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard a parent say in a time of tragedy, "I wish I'd never had them, for right now my pain would be less."
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Last Post About My Breasts Until I Get a Lift!
And so, after all that hoopla about my boobs and my insane desire to breastfeed Parker until he was at least a year old, he's decided to self wean. I've stopped taking the meds the doc prescribed and even though I offer Parker the breast, he refuses it. I'll continue to offer it to him for at least a little while longer, but this looks like the end folks. However, because I'm such a convert, I thought I'd share with you some of the wonderful benefits of breastfeeding:
1. Bonding: When you bottle feed a baby, you undoubtedly bond with them. You can hold them and look down into their eyes and smell their sweet smell, and there's absolutely nothing less about feeding your baby with a bottle. But there's just something about sitting in a quiet room, in the darkness of night, skin to skin, and knowing you're the one providing a natural nourishment for your child.
2. Lactose Liposuction: You can eat, and eat, and eat and eat and the weight just melts off. You may hold onto a few pounds but that's only because you need to have fat on your body to produce milk. I think I may miss this one the most!
3. Affordability: It's FREE. I calculated that I've saved approximately $1000 dollars this year alone not buying formula, not to mention you don't need many bottles either and since they rarely use them they don't need to be replaced when they wear out!
4. Convenience: There's no bottles to sterilize, no bottles to pack, no water to boil, no formula to pre-measure and you don't have to worry about how long you'll be gone for because you always have food on hand for the little one!
5. Immunity: Breastfed babies still get sick, they just get LESS sick when they do. That might not mean much to you now, but when my entire family came down with Gastro for 48 hours I was thankful that my tiny infant got it the least severe. Also, babies who are sick who can't keep anything down will rarely refuse the breast, so no need to feed them that awful pedialite to rehydrate them.
6. Amount: Ever wonder if you're baby is feeding enough or if you're feeding them too much? This doesn't happen when you're breastfeeding. Babies inherently know how much they need and will stop eating when they are done, or keep asking to eat when they aren't. Not only that, but babies are also experts at getting more milk out of your breast than a breast pump ever could.
7. Hormonal Bliss: When your baby feeds your brain releases a hormone called Oxytocin that relaxes you and make you feel at ease. This hormone is ADDICTIVE. I lied, I may miss this the most.
8. SIDS: Breastfeeding cuts your baby's risk of SIDS in half. 'Nuff said.
When I found out that Parker was self-weaning I was, dare I say, devastated. After all that work, after all that pain, he's decided that he's had enough. Naturally, I did some research to see if I could interest him in taking the breast again and I came across an interesting article that noted that babies who are breastfed on demand until they decide to self wean, who are not forced to wean, are more independent and secure. It seems that if a baby has decided he no longer needs the breast feels that you've successfully given him the security, love and comfort that he needs to feel confident. He knows you're there for him, unconditionally.
So, here's to the next chapter in our lives as Mother and Son. I have a feeling Parker will be alright, I on the other hand think my babies are growing up too fast. Guess it's time to start thinking about another one!
1. Bonding: When you bottle feed a baby, you undoubtedly bond with them. You can hold them and look down into their eyes and smell their sweet smell, and there's absolutely nothing less about feeding your baby with a bottle. But there's just something about sitting in a quiet room, in the darkness of night, skin to skin, and knowing you're the one providing a natural nourishment for your child.
2. Lactose Liposuction: You can eat, and eat, and eat and eat and the weight just melts off. You may hold onto a few pounds but that's only because you need to have fat on your body to produce milk. I think I may miss this one the most!
3. Affordability: It's FREE. I calculated that I've saved approximately $1000 dollars this year alone not buying formula, not to mention you don't need many bottles either and since they rarely use them they don't need to be replaced when they wear out!
4. Convenience: There's no bottles to sterilize, no bottles to pack, no water to boil, no formula to pre-measure and you don't have to worry about how long you'll be gone for because you always have food on hand for the little one!
5. Immunity: Breastfed babies still get sick, they just get LESS sick when they do. That might not mean much to you now, but when my entire family came down with Gastro for 48 hours I was thankful that my tiny infant got it the least severe. Also, babies who are sick who can't keep anything down will rarely refuse the breast, so no need to feed them that awful pedialite to rehydrate them.
6. Amount: Ever wonder if you're baby is feeding enough or if you're feeding them too much? This doesn't happen when you're breastfeeding. Babies inherently know how much they need and will stop eating when they are done, or keep asking to eat when they aren't. Not only that, but babies are also experts at getting more milk out of your breast than a breast pump ever could.
7. Hormonal Bliss: When your baby feeds your brain releases a hormone called Oxytocin that relaxes you and make you feel at ease. This hormone is ADDICTIVE. I lied, I may miss this the most.
8. SIDS: Breastfeeding cuts your baby's risk of SIDS in half. 'Nuff said.
When I found out that Parker was self-weaning I was, dare I say, devastated. After all that work, after all that pain, he's decided that he's had enough. Naturally, I did some research to see if I could interest him in taking the breast again and I came across an interesting article that noted that babies who are breastfed on demand until they decide to self wean, who are not forced to wean, are more independent and secure. It seems that if a baby has decided he no longer needs the breast feels that you've successfully given him the security, love and comfort that he needs to feel confident. He knows you're there for him, unconditionally.
So, here's to the next chapter in our lives as Mother and Son. I have a feeling Parker will be alright, I on the other hand think my babies are growing up too fast. Guess it's time to start thinking about another one!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Verdict
I wont take too much of your time tonight, but I figured I'd let those of you interested in on what went down at the Herzl Breastfeeding clinic this morning.
First, naked boobs everywhere. I mean, all out, all over the place. I think Pete was jealous he couldn't come.
Second, the diagnosis: Nipple Vasospasm (whada name eh?!)
Definition in a nutshell: when our blood vessels contract or become smaller in diameter due to exposure to emotional stress. Can be quite painful and severe in some people, ie ME.
Risk Factors for developing it:
1. Exposure to cold temperatures (read, Nipple-itis!)
2. Periods of severe emotional stress. (from pain and the stress of not being able to feed your baby)
3. Smoking and second-hand smoke. (not my issue)
4. Poor latch or biting.
5. Nipple cracks or trauma.
6. Migraines.
7. Certain medical conditions like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and hypothyroidism.
8. Certain treatments for Thrush and the birth control pill.
Things to try at home:
Good latch, Heat is very important, make sure to stay warm at all times, stay active, don't smoke and decrease caffeine.
Treatment:
Advil, etc.
High doses of Calcium, magnesium and vitamin B6. ( I got a prescription for this)
Omega fatty acids.
Nifedipine (high blood pressure meds).
So, that's the verdict. We'll see how the prescription makes me feel, and I'll get back to you. People still think I'm crazy considering I'm only doing this for two more months, but I'm determined!
First, naked boobs everywhere. I mean, all out, all over the place. I think Pete was jealous he couldn't come.
Second, the diagnosis: Nipple Vasospasm (whada name eh?!)
Definition in a nutshell: when our blood vessels contract or become smaller in diameter due to exposure to emotional stress. Can be quite painful and severe in some people, ie ME.
Risk Factors for developing it:
1. Exposure to cold temperatures (read, Nipple-itis!)
2. Periods of severe emotional stress. (from pain and the stress of not being able to feed your baby)
3. Smoking and second-hand smoke. (not my issue)
4. Poor latch or biting.
5. Nipple cracks or trauma.
6. Migraines.
7. Certain medical conditions like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis and hypothyroidism.
8. Certain treatments for Thrush and the birth control pill.
Things to try at home:
Good latch, Heat is very important, make sure to stay warm at all times, stay active, don't smoke and decrease caffeine.
Treatment:
Advil, etc.
High doses of Calcium, magnesium and vitamin B6. ( I got a prescription for this)
Omega fatty acids.
Nifedipine (high blood pressure meds).
So, that's the verdict. We'll see how the prescription makes me feel, and I'll get back to you. People still think I'm crazy considering I'm only doing this for two more months, but I'm determined!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Rockstar Mom
A little while ago my husband convinced me to go to the Face to Face concert with him, and Saturday was the night. I'm not a huge fan of punk music, but I decided that it would be great to get out and rekindle the old bad ass flame in my heart. So we left the kids with Pete's mum and made our way out for the night.
The night started great, dinner at the Keg, drinks and good conversation when we got there. The show started off fantastic, and then I hit my plateau, the dreaded 11 O'clock mark. I tried people, I tried hard, but every song just seemed to blend into the next, and I couldn't understand a single word. I had to stop drinking since I was the designated driver (which by the way, a husband shouldn't do to his wife who doesn't like the music he's dragged her to anyways...) and sweaty neanderthals kept banging into me and making my arms slick with their gross, stinky sweat.
It wasn't long before I started to feel faint and tired and decided that I needed to sit down and get some air. I found a comfy chair in the lounge area of the theater and once I got to sitting, I didn't want to get up and lose my spot, so I stayed. I didn't think there was anything wrong with this, and I didn't complain to leave. I just patiently waited for the show to end and enjoyed the fresh(er) air near the doors. Little did I know, this was too much for Pete and he felt that he needed to come join me instead of answering the barrage of questions he was getting from people about where I had disappeared to. (Something tells me that people didn't really mind as much as he was putting on!)
Needless to say, I was done for the night, but still had to drive people home. On the way, a friend of Pete's shot me the remark that I used to be fun and that I had lost that "party girl" mentality. I'm pretty sure he wont read this, so I'll just say it...he really hurt my feelings.
My children don't define me, but they do define how I live my life at the present moment. I can't be the mom I want to be if I'm hungover, drunk driving, partying like a rockstar, or overtired and quick tempered. I want to patient, and kind, I want to be present and involved. Sure, I want to have time for myself, and I want to go out, but how can you possibly give equal weight to both? You can't. Well, I can't.
So, no, I'm not the person I used to be. I'm better.
The night started great, dinner at the Keg, drinks and good conversation when we got there. The show started off fantastic, and then I hit my plateau, the dreaded 11 O'clock mark. I tried people, I tried hard, but every song just seemed to blend into the next, and I couldn't understand a single word. I had to stop drinking since I was the designated driver (which by the way, a husband shouldn't do to his wife who doesn't like the music he's dragged her to anyways...) and sweaty neanderthals kept banging into me and making my arms slick with their gross, stinky sweat.
It wasn't long before I started to feel faint and tired and decided that I needed to sit down and get some air. I found a comfy chair in the lounge area of the theater and once I got to sitting, I didn't want to get up and lose my spot, so I stayed. I didn't think there was anything wrong with this, and I didn't complain to leave. I just patiently waited for the show to end and enjoyed the fresh(er) air near the doors. Little did I know, this was too much for Pete and he felt that he needed to come join me instead of answering the barrage of questions he was getting from people about where I had disappeared to. (Something tells me that people didn't really mind as much as he was putting on!)
Needless to say, I was done for the night, but still had to drive people home. On the way, a friend of Pete's shot me the remark that I used to be fun and that I had lost that "party girl" mentality. I'm pretty sure he wont read this, so I'll just say it...he really hurt my feelings.
My children don't define me, but they do define how I live my life at the present moment. I can't be the mom I want to be if I'm hungover, drunk driving, partying like a rockstar, or overtired and quick tempered. I want to patient, and kind, I want to be present and involved. Sure, I want to have time for myself, and I want to go out, but how can you possibly give equal weight to both? You can't. Well, I can't.
So, no, I'm not the person I used to be. I'm better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)