Finding the words

My mind has been a mess lately.  I sometimes get these intense urges to write, but find myself playing out the words in my head, scribbling on an imaginary paper.  The thoughts come to me, fervently, almost prophetically, but for some reason, I find it impossible to get them out coherently.  When the words do touch reality, they seem disconnected and vulgar.  The experience can only be likened to that of explaining one's frighteningly realistic dream to someone, only to realize that the dream itself made no sense. 

I think that I am unconsciously self-censoring. 

The world is so....twisted, and I can't understand why doing the "right thing" is so difficult in so many situations.  If not by fate, I came across a definition today in "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce, and though the book itself was meant to be satirical, I found the frankness of it to be quite, refreshing.

"Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor."

Fortune does not dictate our fate, but rather, we are the architects of our own destiny.  The world is cyclical.  I am who I am because of my parents.  Both their faults and their blessings have been gifts to me, and thus, my faults and my blessings will shape my own children.  I understand that all situations are not equal, and that my perception of "faults" and "blessings" is biased, but ultimately the world has a shape and we must all live within it.  We cannot expect our children to use our failings as parents to better themselves with as adults.  It is our responsibility to give them ALL that we can, if not physically, then spiritually (and by spiritually, I mean nurturing their secular spirit). 

We are the Gaia (sp?) of their center.  We give them strength, and independence and the ability to love.  We give them the power to say no, to stand tall, and to feel self worth.  OUR lives are THEIR lives until they can make their own.  We are their reality and we must make sure that it makes sense.

There, I said it.  No more censoring. 

(I get my boldness from my father, and my timidity from my mother.  Aren't we all just the product of an oxymoron...)